Now i realized something, why it’s always tomorrow that I will be better, that I will stop doing this or start doing that properly, why it’s not today, why it’s always today a missed chance where I mess things up waiting for tomorrow to set things right, tomorrow that will never come.
مبروك يا بلدي , مبروك لكل حاجة حلوة لسه فيكي , مبروك للناس الطيبة اللي شربت من نيلها بجد , وطيبتهم معجوبة بطينها , مهما حصل فيهم ميعرفوش غير الحمد لله , و لو ما لقوش اللقمة متشوفش غير الضحكة الطيبة , الفرحة دي من حقكوا , مبروك لعم حسن اللي ميعرفش يعيش من غير أخوه مينا , ما يعرفش يعبي ايه مسلم ولا مسيحي , ميعرفش غير أخويا…مصري.
نفسي يا بلدي أفرح ازاي بتعلمي ولادي , نفسي أفرح لمل أشوف علما بيتطلعوا منك و يفضلوا ليكي , نفسي أفرح لما أشتري صناعتك أتباهى بيها قدام الدنيا كلها , نفسي أفرح لما أكل من أرضك و أستطعم و أقول تسلم الإيد اللي زرعت , نفسي أفرح اني منك و ليكي و عايش عليكي.
ياه ه ه ه ه يا بلدي…كل ما أقول خلاص مفيش أمل , كل ما أقول أنا كرهتك , كل ما اقول خلاص انشالله تتحرق باللي فيها دي مش بلدنا أصلا
كل ما أنسى تفكريني…مبروك يا بلدي يا مصر
I have been always fascinated by ants, these little creatures that crawl everywhere, I was fascinated by their determination in particular, ever saw an ant trying again and again and again to come over a seemingly impossible obstacle?
I don’t know why I remembered that particular post recently, it is one of the early ones I wrote long time ago, it’s weird to read it again after all this time, weird because I am not sure if the person who wrote it back than still exists, hope you like it.
I went away for so long, maybe because I lost my reason, but now I can’t think if any other place to go to, I hesitated If I should go back but now I can’t stop my fingers from writing these words even if nobody will care enough to read them, because maybe this time I am truly writing for my own sake.
انها ذكراكِ
انها ذكراكِ تأبى ان تترُكَني
انها ذكراكِ تأبى أن تُغادِرَني
مهما مر من زمنٍ
انها ذكراكِ تابى ألا تقتُلَني
كيفَ لي أن أنسى
كيفَ لي أن أنسى عَينَيكِ التي سَحَرتني
كيفَ لي أنسى ابتسامةً سَجَنتني..قَتَلتني
مائةُ ألفِ مليونِ مرةٍ و لم تَرحمني
كيفَ لي أن انسى
كيفَ لم أقُلها منذُ زمنٍ
أُحِبُك
أندمُ الآنَ أَني لم أقُلها
قبل أن أَضيَعك مني
عُذراً حبيبتي لم يَكَن أنتِ
و لكن أكبرُ غَلطَةٍ مِني
انها ذكراكِ تُعاودُنيِ
تَكسِرُني..تُؤلِمُني
تترُكُني أتقلبُ في نَدَمِي
اتخبطُ بينَ صَرخَات رُوحي..لا أدري
قَلبي يأبى الا أن يذكر
يأبى الا أن يُغرِقَنِي في أحزاني
يَنظٌر لي و يصرُخ
أنتَ
أنتَ.. أضَعتِها و تركتَني في سِجنِها
الى نِهايةِ زَماني
أُحِبٌك ليتني صَرَختٌها
ليتكِ تعلمينَ كم أٌرِيدُ أن أقُولها الآن
عُذراً حبيبتي ليسَ أنتِ
حُبُكِ عَلَمَني أن أكتُبَ عن أحزاني
I gazed through the misty smoke of that cup of coffee in front of me, I never really liked coffee nor had it regularly, but for some reason I needed its smell to breathe life in my mind.
I felt his presence across me, I didn’t know if I should freak out or feel surprised or not care at all, I felt his eyes gazing back at me, i didn’t feel weird as if him being there is something ordinary, silence grown waiting to be broken.
My heart’s beats seemed uneven, a certain feeling filled my chest screaming to get out, still i kept holding the pen, sometimes playing with it in my fingers, but never really dared to interrupt the whiteness of the paper lying in front of me.
With a smile of the side of his mouth he began
” Isn’t time for you to admit you were wrong?? “
I left my eyes to look at him, for some reason it felt as if i am looking at a friend’s face that I knew very well. He added
” I already know how you feel, I know because I feel the same too”
I was lost again and gazed in what remained of the smoke above my coffee, lost in my own thoughts and the feeling lurking inside me.
For so long I searched for that missing piece, for so long I’ve fought this feeling to attach, to make someone my reason..
“and every time I do, I fall more” he continued without looking at me
“every time I think I found what I was looking for, what I lack to be happy and complete, that I found something..someone that it will stand aginst time itself”
And as if I wasn’t interrupted i continued
“and every time I fail”.
For a moment there was only silence, the feeling was raging inside me, I couldn’t figure if it was guilt that i am feeling, or is it anger of a feeling I resisted so much, why I..
“am feeling this? why I need someone to relate to? why i can’t learn to stop?? why i don’t understand” he said
“It’s not you fault, it’s just…not possible”
I thought I saw him smiling, i didn’t know what to say, but maybe I felt a bit easier that I got something of how i feel out, the pen remained in my hand – I discovered – all that time.
He looked to me again and said
“People and there feelings are like everything else, they will not stop by you forever, you too should move on”
With all what I feel inside, with a feeling of utter loneliness taking over me, but the weird thing that I didn’t mind it to take over, in that moment a lot faces came by my eyes, faces and feelings I thought they would last, but like everything else they didn’t stop by me for too long and moved on, maybe in the end it was my fault that I thought for a second that they will stay just for me.
I was still not sure what to write, but my pen found its way to the paper to write the first few words..about some foolish dream of mine.
I do stand before you
Before your blue waves
To tell you
How it just feels
I still remember her words
Every single breathe
I see the world through her eyes
Her favorite color covers this earth
If she ever walked on your shore
If her steps ever touched your sand
Keep the marks for me
To take it..To Breathe it..To add it to the memories
She is the color of life
She is the star at night
She is the pain I die in
In her smile I drown
In her eyes I live
In time I will forget
But In My Heart
The memory will be there
It seems only fair that If i wanted to talk about happiness that I would talk at some point about one really other basic fact of life, about failure I shall talk.
I was planning to talk about this particular subject at some point along the road, but the events that happened recently to me makes it the perfect time to talk about failures in life, not from the wise a** point view I keep telling you I will try to get away from, but from the heart of a personal experience.
For you who doesn’t know, I had faced a major set back in work, in other words I left work, the details don’t really matter right now, but what matters that for me this is the first concrete real failure to face in my life, for sure it’s far away from “got 25 from 30 fee emta7n el shr fee el 3rby” kind of failures I had back in school, it’s a failure that has dimensions and for now sets starring to me in the face, I know some of you who know the details would protest on calling it a failure, but please bare with me.
The first thing that comes to my mind is what I life to call “el wld da shater” syndrome, as long as I remember I was always chased with this phrase, “mohamed da shater awy” from most people around me, it seems that the glasses with the fact that I was a bit shy and had a hair cut from the 1930 when I was much younger contributed to the image of “el wld el shater” image, somehow it put this invisible assumption that I shall succeed in anything I put my nose in, in school mainly, and that a very bright future as the president of Venezuela awaits me for sure, and somehow this assumptions was built inside my mind creating this fear from the first failure that shall crash it to pieces.
In a way we do have a bit of this assumptions built in our minds, it’s there to protect our assuptions about our self and our abilities, althoug of its all good intentions, in most cases it makes us forget that it’s a fact that someway sometime will be faced by some kind of failure, but we tend not think about it,but actually we are afraid how this failure may crush the comforting assumptions we make about ourselves and how will just succeed and only others will fail.
If you reviewed the stories of any successful icon in the history of humanity you shall see a pretty common idea, they failed someway or another, and I bet you hear it all the time that “you should learn from your mistakes” that it seems cheesy, but the truth the the skill of accepting failure as part of your own process to learn and advance is something not as easy as you may think, and I had experienced it first hand.
You can imagine the number of negative ideas that surrounded me as a result of this incident, especially as it’s my first experience working in the field I think I love and hope to succeed in, and you can imagine “el wld da shater” problem surfacing with ideas like “but I thought I would succeed ” and “why me” and all that stuff, it’s not easy to manage all this negative ideas as they attack on the same time, but the pretty cool thing about failure is the same thing we fear actually, it destroys the imaginary protective field we build around us to protect out self esteem and our own ideas about ourselves, so actually it frees us from the pressure and allow us to enjoy the experience rather to drown in negative thoughts, because of this fear we miss a lot of chances to experience life as we should because of ” What if I failed..What if I didn’t do it right ?? “
After the initial shock, i began to realize what happened in its true size, an experience needed to set things right for me,away from “el wld da shtoor MSA” It was important for me to see things as it is, to see the cons and pros of what happened, learn from it and get over with and continue for another experience and I won’t say searching for success, but for another experience as this is was makes our lives really, every experience bring us a little bit more to what our lives are really about, and thus is why it’s crucial for us to fail, because as long we are not dead yet we are just a step closer to succeed.
In the end I discovered something really important, the amazing unexpected support from all my dear friends in work and outside it really made me speechless, yes maybe I failed in my first shot in work, but I made more than just co-workers, I made friends who was there for me without even asking..that’s a experience I am happy I had.
It’s never a failure, it’s just another step
Continuing the subject I began with my previous post, I have stumbled upon an article in the really nice blog zen habits that really address a lot of the things I was planning to talk about,but I decided to share the article with you as soon as I can and I shall write my own thoughts on a later post, so read it carefully and please let me hear what you think in the comments, hope you like it
